“Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison
I was recently at a wake for a family friend who lost their husband/father. Three years ago I was where they were and I know there isn’t anything you can say to make it hurt less. What I really wanted to say was it doesn’t get easier, as that would be a lie, but you get stronger. You learn to swim. You learn to live without them. You learn to laugh and smile about the good times. Reflect on how lucky you were to have that person in your life. But the pain is still there, your heart will have that empty space meant for them. The missing doesn’t go away.
Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. There isn’t a timeline to when it will be easy or a schedule for when it will hit you. There isn’t a day that all of the sudden you stop feeling the pain. No loss is the same. Just as no journey through grief is the same. But over the the last three years I have learned a few ways to coop with the grief.
Find ways to keep memories alive.
I share stories and pictures with my nephew. Partly for me but also for him, so the memories stay for him as well. I also have ‘dates with my dad’ where I do things we would have done together. Even this blog, is a way I keep his memories alive.
Don’t stop yourself from crying.
I too often keep it in or stop myself from feeling what I want to or need to feel.. Let it out. The uglier the cry, the more likely it is needed to let it out.
Grieve how you need to grieve
(Of course, not at the expense of others) Do what you need to do. There is no true right or wrong way to experience loss. I know at first, I was numb. I felt nothing and I struggled with that. But when you start feeling again, let it come out any way it needs to. Cry, laugh, yell, punch a pillow. Let yourself feel the emotions.
Be patient with yourself.
As I mentioned above, no loss is the same. Therefore, you nor anyone else knows how it will affect you. You will have good days and bad. Accept and embrace how every it hits you. And learn your own ways to make yourself stronger.
When you are ready, talk to that person
For me, I am just getting to this point. I ask my dad for guidance at times and others I just want him to know I miss him.
When I started writing this blog, it was a few days before what would have been his birthday. And it did take me awhile to understand why I was overcome by numbness and grief. So this post was born. As three years later, I still grieve. I want to tell him how much I need him and how hard it’s been without him. I will always be a daddy’s girl. Sometime that is shown through tears and others it is through my success in life – as I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t had him as a mentor, a coach and a best friend.
Love for Laces 