Harder than any term paper, I had to write a letter to a judge regarding my father’s accident. Although we were able to settle the civil case out of court (to all of our relief) we now need to get through the criminal case/charges is the against the driver. Each of us had the opportunity (to try and) put into words how one person’s actions changed our family for ever. I have struggled on this for weeks. Either by outright avoiding my computer to blaming ‘writer’s block’ on why I hadn’t finished it. When really it was the pressure of trying to capture in just a few words….. Because let’s be honest trying to write 28 years of importance and 3 years plus the future onto paper is beyond imaginable.
Deep down I feared what if I wrote wasn’t enough. What if I couldn’t really get the right words onto the paper or what if after the letter was sent then I came up with that amazing phrase or point. Which is what ultimately happened on Sunday. I slept on the letter for a night and then met my mother’s deadline to get her the letter. And I was satisfied with what I wrote. It wasn’t a term paper. All I could do was write what my heart felt. Accept that and stop putting so much pressure on myself.
But that didn’t stop my brain from coming up with more on my run Sunday. So I decided that here is where I would write it. The letter captured what my father meant to me. How his death was a loss to many people that would last a lifetime. And it was all from one person’s action. One person’s decision that day that took it all away. What I missed was we didn’t get to say good-bye. We didn’t get one last hug or I love you. We didn’t get closure. There was no funeral or burial. One, because dad wouldn’t have wanted that and second, because the accident was so bad all that was left was his belongs and ashes that were picked up. I can’t really say that saying goodbye to a person or a body would have made a miraculous difference in the grief process. What I do know is that it took away that true closure that I still look for today. And compared to loss I have had where I was able to say goodbye to the few that I wasn’t… It does help more than it hurts.
Instead the letters, the criminal and civil cases are what we have to close the door on this. It is the closest thing we have to closure. Nothing will bring him back. Nothing undoes what has been done. This just gives is the final closure to the situation… Justice. Justice is where we can find closure in this situation. It’s where we can move on knowing that what could be done, was done.
Love for Laces 